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Micki new

August 2009

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Aug. 10th, 2009

Micki new

Moving

Can you believe it... we're finally moving. Leaving this unnatural place that is called my mother's. Moving to an area where not only the native population is low but where our friends live too. Finally we can feel like normal people doing something that will benefit our family. For me here I seemed forever trapped. But now I feel set free... ready to face the trials of independence that I once feared but will embrace. Oh the glee and excitement that is my emotions feels great. An expensive home but really aren't we getting a deal... a place that is prettier than any we seen before for basically the same price. Our new home will cost us maybe 75-100 more than it would have if we settled for a crappy house, in a crappy area, with a rent and bill rate that would've changed. People will think we're crazy but we've done the math done the research and have found that living there will make us happy and cost use just slightly more... but man when we saw that place... we thought wow... this is our home... this is where we are going to live... no ifs and or buts so the price although high barely made us flinch. But I like that we will basically be forced to learn how to live on a fixed budget... its a learning experience and then when we move to a new place we will have that knowledge with us. Oh I can't wait... I am super excited and as are my friends... I was surprised actually cause I guess they see this as us coming out of our hibernation and returning to a life that includes them. This year is gonna be a stressful but delightful year... and I can't wait to experience it all.

May. 18th, 2009

Micki new

Long time

Wish I had more time to update things. Its been a hectic year, school, babies, school, babies, school, big baby... I mean boyfriend... now its work babies, work, babies etc. I enjoy my new summer job the people are hilarious I hate that my boss isn't a parent though cause it gives him a bias view of me in the negative. I've missed two days already and am scared I missed two more but I'm pretty sure my schedule said I'm off Sunday and Monday... I'd rather assume that than go in... cause the reason I have time to update is cause my sons are in Regina for the weekend coming home tonight. So if I work I'd be saying ow a billion times for minimal movements. The little milk ravaging beasts that I adore have left me to explode. I really want to wean Mason but sometimes its so hard to say no to that face... but if he just would he would eat better. My family is terrified (no exaggeration) that he's starving... no baby starves themselves (unless people try to force feed him and he hunger strikes)... he just eats very little... I think he is absolutely perfect in terms of weight as compared to height and such... but on no just because he doesn't have a huge belly or legs the size of two litre bottles he's starving... wish they'd just look at all the other kids in his daycare... he's exactly the same size except for a couple of the native kids. He's average for the city... but on the rez he's starving omg... I look at some of those babies and see constant feeding and processed foods, sugar, and fatty foods. They're chubby/fat almost everyone of them... but Mason is average in the city in mix with kids from all cultures... thats gotta say that he's fine... but they're blind to things like that. Merek is slender but not thin, he's average too he just has a rounder belly two perfectly lovely cheeks. Merek is so special somehow... he doesn't talk which kind of makes me nervous... but he communicates so well! He knows what he wants and knows just how to get it even if he can't get it himself. His few words are mom, mine, dad, bye, hi, nana, tata... guess thats a lot now that I think of it but still he doesn't seem interested in talking... rarely needs to I guess cause he's so clear with his actions. Mason is becoming so imaginative... he plays, dinosaur! Roar!, BooBoo? Go Doctor?, Tutty (puppy), Pirates. He's so funny. He tantrums like crazy and is hard to keep him happy, he has a tendency to get angry a lot which worries me but I'm sure its just confusion he still has too many parents and not enough of mommy. I've been finding it difficult to find the energy and drive to play and have fun with them. I am on an emotional rollercoaster and I think its hormonal, but one thing is for sure I know I can play with my babies for a long time once they get home and drain me of this damn ache in my chest. I want to get out of here but something keeps holding me back and I don't know what. I wish I could just graduate now and plan for our future elsewhere... been thinking about a smaller town outside of a city... I think I would enjoy that... but there's always the question of whether I can find a job there. Anyway I better start cleanin of my mom will freak on us for being so lazy. But hey... its not everyday I get to spend the weekend in bed watching movies and reading books. Laterz.

Nov. 28th, 2008

Micki new

Baby free

My mom took my babies on vacation with her this weekend. My chest is feelin it...and it doesn't help that she hasn't called me at all since she left yesterday... so I'm a leakin mess of emotion worrying about my babies.

Nov. 4th, 2008

Micki new

Weight loss

I have been losing weight like mad. I am so proud of myself. I am moving around a lot actually sticking to a work out routine with a friend from school. Eating a lot less but not starving. Just feeling like I am starting to look great and that is great. I actually care about my appearance lately which is funny cause I usually just don't care how I look each day. I have been getting more looks... but only from the native population... probably because our standard of beauty is different *shrug*... my friend hasn't seen me in a few days and these past few days is when the most drastic of changes has happened, can't wait to see a reaction... if any.

Nov. 3rd, 2008

Micki new

Amazingly fun/strange night

There was so much I did... so much to tell... I wish I had the time to type it now but I am in class. Laterz.

Oct. 31st, 2008

Micki new

Halloween

I love halloween. My chest is pounding just thinking about the possibilities of tonight. I just hope that i don't get stuck at home... cause the second I can get away I am gone.

Oct. 29th, 2008

Micki new

Moved on fast

Its weird how I feel lately. Like I just adjusted to not being with Leon in a snap. I think I got use to the idea long ago but never really noticed. I try to find reasons as to why I may go back to him... but I can't... so therefore I guess I won't. When he writes he makes it seem as though I am willing to return... but honestly I am so full of hurt I don't think I can. Besides he seems to be doing better now that I'm not involved... he's bonding with the boys, actually trying to socialize, trying to make a healthier environment for himself... instead of obsessing completely over me... he's still obsessing but now that I am free he can no longer smother me with his over love. I never realized how trapped I was... I was hindered from feeling my own feelings, wanting my own wants, enjoying my own joys. I am my own person... for the first time in my life I am my own person. Free from parental guidance (kinda anyway), free from love, free to be my sons mommy. I only lack one freedom that I hope to accomplish soon and that is to be free to enjoy my own responsibilities. I am free... wow... it brings such confidence... such pride... such hope for my future.

Oct. 25th, 2008

Micki new

Red riding hood

I bought a sexy red riding hood costume for myself. I can't wait to wear it I just hope I actually get to wear it out that night.

Sep. 21st, 2008

Micki new

been so long

Haven't had a chance to sit down and type. Cause every time I feel like I have the time I actually want to do homework which is a great step toward my chosen career. I have been having loads of fun at school. Everything is interesting and exciting to learn nothing has me down not even the fact that I wake up at 5 in the morning and am the first one there... I look like a nerd to everyone else probably but honestly I have to take the early bus or I'll be late. Plus the good thing about me being early is it gives me a chance to either relax, do homework, or just get my stuff ready in the kitchen for the day. I feel very social as compared to the last time I was in school so that's awesome but I still feel outcasted by my classmates and honestly I don't know if its because of me or them but we get along no prob otherwise in the kitchen so I could care less about outside of the kitchen. They just miss out on a nice and very helpful friend.

News other than school... Merek was a little terror today lol, his brother is starting to ease up on him though so the scales are tipping in mischief. They are such great little guys I'm glad I'm able to get a ride to pick Mason up with my mom almost everyday. Merek has been spending days with my mom at the office he seems to really enjoy being out of the house and is an angel there even when I show up. Dunno how this week is gonna work though... wish we could just find a daycare that accepts infants like now. *shrug*

Leon and I have been up and down... mostly down. Lately I just can't stand being around him and honestly can't figure out why sometimes. Sometimes its cause he's being a prick and either doesn't notice it or just has somethin to say to me but won't. He's back to his video game addicted asshole self... it was better when he was bored with no internet so he'd actually want to spend time with me and the babies. All this has me feeling odd. Especially since the other night I dreamt of this guy... dunno if anyone remembers this guy but I dream about him a lot. It use to be every month or so... but I haven't dreamt of him for many many months... until sometime last week... and now I can't get him out of my head. Like at all... its driving me crazy... I even added him on facebook just so I can talk to him... haven't actually talked to him yet... but I'm on there everyday hoping he's online its insane. I don't know why am doing this to myself either its like trying to stick my hand fire and for some sadistic reason I really really want to. He just plagues my mind when I dream of him... but this time he has taken it over and has no idea he has such power over me. I feel so horrible but yet it intrigues me... *sigh* I hope it passes.

Aug. 11th, 2008

Micki new

Yay, Yay, and Yay!

First off big news... Merek aka. Mimi! has started walking. He started to for real walk (while I was at :( work) on August 8, 2008... 8/8/8 the day of the olympics! Think its a sign? I do... my future olympian ^_^ 

Next is I got accepted into the culinary arts program at red river. I start August 27th so excited. Even found a daycare for Mimi poor baby but mommy only wants the best for her babies so I hope he does ok.

Third is I am receiving a hefty amount of money per month thanks to my brother, he snuck Mason on as my dependent even though he's not with my first nation band (which I think is dumb) but yay thanks bro!

Oh I hope I don't screw things up this time. I really really want to succeed I must succeed otherwise what the hell else am I going to do.

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